The Reflection Series: ALIVE
This is the first entry in The Reflection Series, a collection of personal writings where I explore the lessons, thoughts, and moments from everyday life that shape how I show up in my work and in the world. This blog post is a little different than others, but I’ve been curious about starting a series of reflections on life. In my work, I bring my whole self to the care of my clients. Outside of work, I fill myself up for that task through creativity, movement, rest, and connection. Life teaches me so much that I carry into my work, and I want to start documenting some of those lessons and musings.
Last weekend, I went to an art show where my brother had a piece on display and helped organize the event. It was a massive show with artists from all over the world, each sharing their work and passion. Every artist had a unique style, a cause they cared about, or a source of inspiration. It’s rare to see so much art with the artists right there to explain their pieces and dive into the “what” and the “why.” It was really special.
As we were wrapping up, my partner wanted to stop by one man's table. He had a sign inviting people to participate in an interactive piece. The table was surrounded by squares of fabric, each with a word or short phrase written on it. There were also blank squares and markers, and you were asked to write the word or phrase that best represented you right now.
My partner wrote “MAD.” The artist nodded and said, “A lot of people are right now.”
I looked up at the other finished squares and thought, ‘Am I mad?’
At times, I certainly am. There is so much to be mad about in our world. Injustice, pain, and death feel immeasurable and ever-present. It seems like those in power are not ignoring these issues but actively creating more. Despite all our technological advancements, we only seem to grow more divided. So I dip into anger often, it’s hard not to, but I can’t live there. Anger fills me with anxiety and despair if I stay too long.
I didn’t write “MAD”.
I considered writing “HOPE.” But that didn’t feel true either. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of hope right now. Sure, sometimes I do feel hopeful, just like I sometimes feel mad. But hope doesn’t fully represent me at this moment. I know that meaningful change is slow and hard, and I’m joining a walk toward change that’s already in progress. I’ve already watched the pendulum swing back and forth toward progress, and away from it, in my lifetime. I believe I’ll feel hopeful again someday. But not today.
So what do I feel?
What is the word for being a little mad and a little hopeful? For standing somewhere between despair and optimism? For existing in uncertainty, while resisting the spiral into helplessness?
I landed on “ALIVE.”
To be alive is to experience it all. Every person who’s ever lived has felt mad, hopeful, and everything in between. It reminds me of a quote from Stephen Colbert in his interview with Anderson Cooper:
“It's a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering. There's no escaping that. But if you are grateful for your life, then you have to be grateful for all of it […] I want to be the most human I can be, and that involves acknowledging and ultimately being grateful for the things that I wish didn't happen, because they gave me a gift.”
I am alive. That feels both mundane and poignant to say. But most of all, it is true.
